Grief Rituals

Rituals punctuate and mark significant points of transitions in our lives. They can have secular, as well as spiritual dimensions that are shared by members of our community. Rituals can also be personal and private; ones that you share just with close friends and family, or by yourself. In order to create a ritual that will bring meaning to your loss it can help to understand the function of rituals.

Rituals can help find ways of understanding some of the more complicated aspect of our lives. They provide a pattern for our life cycle and can bring order to our lives when we feel we are in chaos. They can help us find a shared meaning in our experience. Rituals also symbolize what we cherish and want to keep in our hearts. They bring us comfort as we commemorate the one who has died. Grief rituals may come from religious or family tradition, but we can create our own as well. Anything that has special meaning to us may be part of our mourning rite, from displaying photographs of our loved one to bringing flowers to the grave.

When you are thinking of creating a ritual that is specific to marking your loss you will want to consider the following questions that can help you meet your unique needs as someone who is bereaved:

How can your ritual help mark the change of your sense of self since your loss?
When you lost your loved one, your role changed. You were once a wife, a husband, daughter or son, mother or father, brother or sister to your loved one and in this past year that sense of who you are in relation to your loved changed. Perhaps your ritual can give you a chance to reflect on the role your loved one played in your life and how your life has been changed by this loss.
How can your ritual mark the connection you had to your loved one and the one you want to continue having?
Some religions foster continued connection with the deceased such as the Catholic anniversary Mass or Jewish Yizkor, spontaneous or creative rituals (such as the custom of sharing stories or recollections of your loved one) can also serve to recognize the continued influence of your loved one in your life.

Grief Ritual Ideas

Create a memory book of pictures, photos and stories from your loved one's life

Invite close friends and family members to your home for an evening of shared memories
Make your loved ones favorite meal and share stories that are meaningful and make you smile. For more ideas, visit:

Have a butterfly or balloon release
Write special notes in the balloons, then let them go. For more ideas, visit:

www.butterfliesabound.com
www.butterflyreleases.com
www.swallowtailfarms.com
www.balloonrelease.com
www.balloonhq.com/faq/deco_releases.html

Plant a tree, a memorial garden, flower gardens, and other types of plants
For example, one family plants a tree every year in the spring on their son's birthday - one every year for 6 years now. They have found it to be the perfect way to honor their son - who loved being out in nature, hiking and camping - and a way for them to contribute beauty and life to the world.

Eat at your loved ones favorite restaurant

Design a shrine
Most grievers create a small shrine without even being aware of doing so. One young woman sat her dad's picture, taken in 1950, on his desk and put his fountain pens in a semi-circle around it.

Wear something that belonged to your person who died or a remembrance wrist band
These can be plain black, white or colored bands with one-word or short message. You can also design your own that can have personal significance to you. For details, visit:

Create a memory quilt or teddy bears
Some people take their loved one's clothing and make it into a quilt. One mother used all her son's soccer T-shirts. A man's shirts, a woman's blouses or dresses, a child's play clothes or a teenager's jeans can miraculously turn into a thing of beauty with the person's name, birth and death date embroidered in a corner. For more on memorial quilts, visit:

http://sites.google.com/site/katiesquiltsite/ (Katie is the daughter of a tissue donor)
www.timelessthreaddesign.com
www.originalquilts.com/memorial_quilts.htm
www.recover-from-grief.com/memorial-quilts.html

Keep a journal
This may be the most helpful thing you do. You can use a guided journal or an inexpensive notebook. Record your thoughts, feelings and memories. As you look back over time, you'll see how you are healing.

Visit the cemetery or another special place
Families whose loved one died in an auto accident have memorials on the roadside. There are yard stones you can inscribe with your loved one's name and any other message.

Light a candle
Buy a very special candle and light it at times that are special to your loved one's memory, i.e., birthday, Father's Day, anniversaries, etc.

Set aside time to quietly remember the relationship
What you do with that time has endless possibility - do anything that has meaning to you and your relationship. You can take a walk and remember all that you loved about the loved one who died. You can read a poem that speaks to you about the love and relationship you had. You can find a tree in the woods, tie a yellow ribbon around it, and visit when you feel the need.

Write a letter
Writing a letter is a common ritual and great way to say all those things we didn't get a chance or simply didn't say. It can be a way to complete unfinished business. Some people share their letters with others, some write it and then throw it away, and others create another ritual and bury it or burn it. It's a very personal process and it's important to do what feels right and true for you.

Help others in the name of your loved one
Feed the hungry/homeless at Thanksgiving, holidays, etc. or donate gifts, quilts, etc., in a loved one's name. On birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc., buy your loved one a gift and donate it to a hospital, nursing home, etc. Or offer a scholarship in a loved one's name.

Go on a trip at a special anniversary time
Do something special to remember your loved one on the trip (i.e., toss a rose in the ocean, light a candle).

Have your wedding ring made into a new setting for a necklace, etc.
For more on memorial jewelry, visit:

Have a birthday party for your loved one on his/her birthday